Relationships take effort and it takes two to make a connection work. In order to keep a healthy relationship going, communication, boundaries, quality time and having fun is essential. However, it is important not to avoid difficult and uncomfortable conversations and don’t let the resentments build up.
If you’re a person with ADHD, you may feel like you are being criticized, judged, nagged, and babied by your partner. You might feel like you have to mask, which involves hiding symptoms or overcompensating for them. When you mask ADHD, you act like you do not have the condition. Women are often taught to mask at a young age, which is why ADHD is so underdiagnosed in young girls. Remember: Masking is not the same thing as managing ADHD.
Adult ADHD & Relationships
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has ADHD, you may feel resentful, annoyed, and tired. You may feel like you are the one doing everything in the relationship. You may feel unwanted, angry, ignored, stressed, exhausted, and frustrated while the partner with ADHD may feel different, overwhelmed, and have immense feelings of shame.
The feelings on both sides are completely valid. Adult ADHD can certainly create challenges for couples. Symptoms like distractibility or hyperactivity can lead to missed dates, impulsive decisions, interruptions, and forgetfulness. This can be immensely frustrating for both partners. However, treatment, coping strategies, compassion, and communication from both parties can help. Remember, in most cases, the partner with ADHD isn’t doing this on purpose!
When ADHD symptoms show up, the partner without ADHD may nag or remind the ADHD partner in an attempt to help them remember. This often backfires and leads to resentment from both partners. Especially when the partner without ADHD may unintentionally parent their partner,trying to do everything for them While it can be hard to refrain from taking over, it’s important to be supportive and encouraging!
When adults with ADHD feel that resentment, their emotions may become dysregulated which can lead to an emotional outburst. This can manifest as irritability, anger, or rudeness. When this happens, remember that you can always step away from the conversation and take time to soothe before coming back to the conversation.
This is why communication is key! While the ADHD partner’s symptoms may trigger an issue, the way the non-ADHD partner responds can lead to either misunderstanding and hurt feelings, or compassion and understanding. Rather than nagging and constant reminders, partners should have a clear discussion about responsibilities and what helps the ADHD partner remember their responsibilities. Does a gentle reminder every now and then help? Does a to-do list help? Sometimes the partner with ADHD has something called ADHD paralysis, a common experience for people with ADHD, when they feel overwhelmed by their environment, emotions, or tasks, and freeze or lose interest in what they are supposed to be doing.
This is not to say the non-ADHD partner has to do all of the work. The partner with ADHD is responsible for the way they react to their partner’s concerns. This is where treatment and communication can be incredibly helpful to help when symptoms like this arise. This is also where compassion and understanding from the non-ADHD partner comes into play.
Remember, this does not mean that being in a relationship with somebody with ADHD is hard or impossible. Like every relationship, challenges come up, and many who date a person with ADHD report that their partner is spontaneous, fun, kind, funny, exciting, and creative. Additionally, people with ADHD often incorporate novelty into their sex life, which often increases sexual frequency, excitement, and satisfaction.
Couples in which one or both partners are affected by ADHD can be successful- particularly if both partners educate themselves about ADHD, openly discuss challenges, and work together to address symptoms and strengthen the partnership.
In conclusion, romantic relationships can and do work well with a partner who has adult ADHD. It helps to work together as a team, mutual acceptance, compassion, and understanding on both sides. This can result in a loving, caring, exciting, and lasting relationship.
