It might be hard to figure out how intensely you should ask for something, or express “No.” In NYC those difficulties seem thousandfold due to the amount of people and interactions we have on the daily. Before you make a request or learn to say no, it’s important to figure out how intensely you want to hold your ground about those things.
Just like there are all different types of boundaries – There are different levels of those boundaries. While one boundary may be more permeable, another boundary is a hard no – and it’s okay to remind people of those boundaries.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy has many different acronyms and unique ways of remembering the expanse of skills under its belt.
Learn to say no with The Dime Game
The Dime Game is taught and used in Interpersonal Effectiveness. It helps us to consider our options from low intensity (A state of flexibility and acceptance of the situation as it is) or high intensity (A state of staying firm and utilizing your skills to get what you need and want).
Each question; which I am going to define below for you, is broken up into different categories that represent different aspects of interpersonal effectiveness and relationships.
When deciding on how strongly to ask for something:
You put a dime in the bank for each of the questions below that get a yes answer. The more money you have, the stronger you ask.
- Capability: Is this person able to give or do what I want?
- Priorities: Is getting my objective more important than my relationship with this person?
- Self-respect: Will asking help me feel competent and self-respecting?
- Rights: Is the person required by law or moral code to do or give me what I want?
- Authority: Am I responsible for telling the person what to do?
- Relationship: Is what I want appropriate for this relationship? (Is it okay to ask for what I want?)
- Goals: Is asking important to a long-term goal?
- Give and Take: Do I give as much as I get with this person?
- Homework: Do I know what I want and have the facts I need to support my request?
- Timing: Is this a good time to ask? (Is this person in the right mood?)
Then tap into the wise mind and go back over the list to see if some items are more important than others.
When deciding on how strongly to say no:
You put a dime in the bank for each of the questions below that get a no answer. The more money you have, the stronger you should say no. Remember: This does not count times of non-consensual touching or behaviors – You always have the right to say no, and be respected in this capacity regardless of how many dimes you do or do not have.
- Capability: Can I give this person what is wanted?
- Priorities: Is my relationship more important than saying no?
- Self-respect: Will saying no make me feel bad about myself?
- Rights: Am I required by law or moral code to give or do what is wanted, or does saying no violate this person’s rights?
- Authority: Is this other person responsible for telling me what to do?
- Relationship: Is what the person is requesting of me appropriate to my relationship with this person?
- Goals: In the long term, will I regret saying no?
- Give and Take: Do I owe this person a favor? (Does this person do a lot for me when I ask and need something?)
- Homework: Do I know what I am saying no to? (Is the other person clear about what is being asked for?)
- Timing: Should I wait a while before saying no?
Then tap into the wise mind and go back over the list to see if some items are more important than others.
