Have you ever felt pressured to agree to something you weren’t comfortable with? Or felt slighted by someone after they’ve hurt you in some way? Maybe your boss asks you to stay late after work on an evening that you made other plans. Or a friend is persuading you to drink with them when you’ve been trying to cut down or quit. Maybe your partner is pressuring you to have sex with them when you aren’t in the mood. Many people struggle with saying “no” or setting boundaries. Often, this happens because you’re anxious about harming the relationship, or you fear that you may hurt the other person’s feelings, or let them down by refusing them. What makes this particularly difficult for some is that our refusals can often be met with continued pressure or encouragement to do the thing we don’t want to do. Fortunately, there are steps you can take to communicate your needs and create effective boundaries, while still being respectful to yourself and the individual you’re saying “no” to.
In DBT, we have skills for interpersonal effectiveness called GIVE and DEAR MAN, which can offer you a guideline for effectively communicating and establishing effective boundaries:
GIVE:
(Be) Gentle- Firstly, you want to be gentle! Sometimes we have the urge to get angry and retaliate when we feel that someone is taking advantage of us or ignoring our needs. You want to remember that the goal is to come to an understanding with the person you’re speaking to, and not to create more conflict.
(Act) Interested- Be present with the person you are speaking to; they will more likely give you the same respect.
Validate- You want to validate what the other person may be feeling or experiencing when they are encouraging you to do something you aren’t comfortable with; maybe your boss is overwhelmed with deadlines, or your friend doesn’t like to drink alone. The reason this is important is that people like to be heard and understood, and they are far less likely to get defensive when you refuse them or set a boundary, if you take the time to validate their experience.
(Use an) Easy Manner- Express yourself calmly, be mindful of your body language.
DEAR MAN:
Describe- Now describe the facts of the situation. Be specific! You want to avoid generalizations such as “always” or “never.”. If you tell your boss that he “Aalways” asks you to stay late after work, he will likely think of a time when he let you leave early—which can derail the point you are trying to make. Instead, you can be specific, and avoid vagueness or opinions. Saying “You are taking advantage of me” is an opinion that could lead to an argument. Saying, “you have asked me to stay late after work 4 days this week” is a specific fact that cannot be disputed. Be nonjudgmental by focusing on facts.
Express- Don’t downplay your feelings, or the consequences of the person’s actions, but also do not exaggerate. Don’t blame the other person. Instead of “You were insensitive” or “You don’t value my time,” a more effective response would be, “When I stay late after work this often, I get burnt out and can’t keep up with the workload,”, or “when you touch me without asking it makes me feel very uncomfortable.”. Remember to use “I” statements, the less you point fingers, the less likely the other person is to get defensive.
Assert- Explain what you want.: Again, be clear and specific. If you say, “I need you to do more chores around the house” the other person could begin washing dishes once a week, and still be complying with your request. Instead, a more effective request would be: “I need you to wash the dishes every evening after I make dinner.”. This way, there is no room left for interpreting your expectations.
Reinforce- Lastly, yYou want to reward the individual for being receptive. By rewarding their response to you, you are reinforcing them to respond well to you in the future. The reward can be specific like helping the person with something they need, or engaging in an activity with the person, but it often involves things which are less concrete, like showing your appreciation for them, expressing that the person is a good friend, or promising you can be a better friend, partner, employee, etc. because you are having your needs met.
Mindfulness- While you are setting a boundary, you want to keep in mind your goal for this conversation. If you have a clear idea of whatwant you want or need from the other person, you are less likely to falter or let the other person derail the conversation. If you find that the other person is trying to change the subject or talk about needs of theirs which you are not meeting, briefly acknowledge their input, and gently redirect the discussion back to your initial concerns. You can offer to make time to listen to their concerns after you’ve had a chance to express yours.
Appear Confident- Even if you don’t feel confident at all, try and speak clearly and sit or stand up tall. People are more likely to believe you deserve to have your needs met if you sound like you believe it too!
Negotiate- Sometimes people are not capable of meeting your needs fully for one reason or another. Think of compromises you are willing to make and be open to negotiating within that. Maybe your boss can’t afford not to ask you to stay late at work sometimes, but you stipulate that he must give you 72 hours’ notice in advance so that you can plan around your schedule changes.
Also important to consider is that you are not obligated to make any compromises, and it is up to your discretion. There is a difference between a sacrifice and a compromise; you want to walk away from the conversation without feeling like you betrayed your needs or boundaries.
A caveat to this exercise; the DEAR MAN is effective with individuals who have some respect for their relationship with you. If you are dealing with someone abusive or manipulative, it can prove to be ineffective even if you’ve followed all these steps exactly. Please be cautious and use this exercise at your discretion.
