This week we are talking about relationships and our topic is being assertive without being too pushy. Assertiveness is about advocating for yourself and asking for what you need and want. It can be hard to feel comfortable self-advocating. Complicated thoughts and feelings arise around how intensely you can assert your needs. Worries around being “too pushy” come into play. The truth is that pushy is a relative term.
Different situations require different levels of “pushiness.”
Pushy relates to determining the intensity of your request. It’s about determining when to stand your ground and when to let go as a way to balance your needs with the needs of the other person. Depending on the specific situation, your intensity can vary on a spectrum between extremely low to extremely firm. Trying to figure out where to fall within that intensity spectrum can cause confusion around how to proceed. This can ultimately lead to just not even trying to advocate for your needs. This week’s topic will discuss how to find that line of intensity within each situation so that you can be assertive without being too pushy.
Today ask yourself, “How have I been currently determining my level of assertiveness?”
Determining Intensity: How to be assertive without being too pushy:
There are a few factors to consider when determining how assertive to be. Let’s break them down.
Capability of the other person to give you what you want.
Priorities around how important this request is to you and how it will impact your view of yourself (i.e. self-respect).
Rights and Authority over this other person. Any law or moral code requiring the person to accommodate you or responsibility you have over telling the person what to do?
Appropriateness within the context of this relationship. Consider the general dynamic of the relationship, specifically the give and take. Looking at what you often ask of them and vice versa.
Long term vs Short term goals. Meaning, looking at the short-term consequences for you and the relationship as a whole versus the long term consequences and impact.
Facts. Do you have all the necessary facts to make the request. Think about things like clarity around what you are asking and the exact support and help you need.
Timing of the request. Is this a good time to ask? Does the person seem like they are in a mood that is conducive to making a request and getting a yes.
Using the Dime Game to Determine Intensity:
You can use the dime game to help you consider these factors and determine your intensity. Here’s how to play. Gather 10 dimes. Ask yourself the following questions, and give yourself a dime for every yes.
- Is this person able to give or do what I want?
- Is getting my objective more important than my relationship with this person?
- Will asking help me feel competent and self-respecting?
- Is this person required to do or give me what I want?
- As I responsible for telling this person what to do?
- Is what I want appropriate for this relationship?
- Is asking important to a long-term goal?
- Do I know what I want and have the facts I need to support my request?
- Is this a good time to ask?
Count up how many dimes you have. Think of intensity on a spectrum from 0-10. 0= very low intensity and 10= very high intensity. Where on the spectrum did you fall? There’s your answer for how firm to be. Take this game with a grain of salt. In reality, this is not a black and white issue. You can adjust your number based on gut feelings. The idea is just to get a gauge of where the balance is and how firm to be. This will give you a clearer picture of how to be more assertive without being pushy.
Take a minute and think about how you can start considering these factors to determine intensity of assertiveness.
Think about how you can now find your balance of being assertive without being too pushy. Ask yourself: “how will I start more effectively determining the intensity of a request so that I can advocate better for myself?”
“Balance doesn’t mean that you both agree to things that you hate or give up things that you love so that you can co-exist. It means that while there is always a give and take, achieving balance should not require huge foundational tradeoffs. ”
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
