This week we are talking all about managing anxiety and our topic is: letting go of the need for control.
As we’ve said before, practices like mindfulness + meditation can help reduce our feelings of anxiety. They are also useful tools to help us understand our need for control and how it is holding us back
Mindfulness is just as it sounds–it’s the practice of letting your mind be fully active in the present moment, rather than past or future events + anxieties. It is about staying fully present, aware of our surroundings so we can interact and engage with our environment rather than let our thoughts spiral out of control.
When we feel the need for control, we root ourselves firmly OUT of the present. We spend our time worrying and ruminating over the future and the fears we have about things that might happen. because we can’t actually control what happens in the future, this energy is spent mainly on fears and hypotheticals. Because of this, we take ourselves out of the present moment, and restrict ourselves from living fully in the environment, situation and moment we actually exist in.
The need for control then exacerbates our anxiety, and can also increase depression, anger, and create tension in our relationships. When we learn to release this compulsion we are able to better manage our anxiety, depression, mood, and improve our experiences within all of our relationships!
Today I want you to think about how your need for control impacts your daily life:
- Do you find yourself stressed at new situations?
- Are you frequently spending more time worrying about how people will react to your actions than actually thinking about what you want to do?
- Do you try to anticipate how people will react and adjust your behavior to try to ensure the “best” option?
These are all examples of the need for control ruling our lives. And if you said “yes” to any (or all!) of the above, no doubt your energy is extremely drained by the process.
Because what the need for control does, is take that energy that we could be putting toward things that fill us with love and joy, and uses it to try to predict the future. We try to anticipate how things will turn out, how people will react to us, what they will say, how we will manage the scenario we have decided will happen. In reality, none of this is up to us. We have no idea how situations will turn out, we have no control over how anyone else behaves, and no matter how much we regulate our own behavior we cannot determine someone else’s response.
This need for control is rooted in fear.
It gives us a sense of security to imagine that we have some power over the way things will turn out. But it is actually untrue–the only thing we CAN control is our own behavior. So ruminating over all of the things we are afraid of that we WISH we could control only takes us out of the present moment. It reduces our relationships to us + the imaginary person we’ve reduced our friend/family member/partner to in our minds. And it keeps us focused on our fears.
Imagine if you let all of that go. How freeing would it be? Would you be closer with the people in your life? How much energy would you have to spare for the things in your life you love? Could you enjoy the moment you’re in?
Here are a few things to get you started:
Figure out the root fear:
This is easier said than done, but when we get REALLY honest with ourselves, we can find out where this need for control is coming from. What is it we’re afraid of? Imagine what would happen if you didn’t have control. What is the terrible scenario that keeps your fists closed tight over your need for control? When you imagine that “worst case scenario” you can find that root fear. That’s what you need to start to address. How can you ease that fear?
Focus on the present:
When you find yourself going down the “what if” trail try to refocus. Remind yourself that there is nothing you can do NOW to change the future. You can only live in the present. Try a grounding technique to get you back in the present moment. What is around you? Where are you? What can you see, smell, hear, taste, feel, etc.? Who is with you? Take in the moment you’re in now and remind yourself that how you act in this moment at the present is all you can control.
Make a list:
What are those fears you got to the root of in #1? Write down what it is you’re afraid of, what is compelling you to hold tight onto that need for control. Then explore each of these fears a bit. Where is it coming from? Why is it so scary? And if this exploration is not enough to get you to let them go for the present moment, make a second list. For each fear, what is the worst case scenario? And how would you handle it? Keep these lists somewhere you can refer back to them. Remind yourself that you can’t control if these fears come true but that you ARE capable of handling them.
