The holiday season is slowly approaching! As Today is Indigenous peoples day and with the holiday parade following shortly after, it’s time to pull out our DBT skills to navigate the tumultuous environment that can be family gatherings and planning.
Regardless of who you choose to spend your time with, the holidays can be extremely difficult! They are wrought with either too many plans that make us feel overwhelmed or too little of plans that make us feel lonely.
Know that however you choose to spend this season, you are loved, wanted and you are not alone.
If you find yourself not spending the holidays with friends or family….
- Try to find a group of mutuals or peers that you can get together with.
- Utilize DBT skills of Distract and Distress tolerance in order to effectively cope with these feelings and engage in more effective behaviors like playing video games, reading, or taking some time for self-care.
- Effectively rethink negative or stuck thoughts with a more dialectical perspective.
- Remember to be mindful and practice non-judgment.
When you find yourself with a difficult family…
Let’s be honest here, we all have at least that ONE family member that knows just what to say to push your buttons.
During these times it’s important that we make a cope ahead plan and practice before the event happens.
Coping ahead involves creating a plan with specific skills that you will use to handle a certain situation.
For example: If one of your family members won’t let up on teasing you and you feel your fuse start to slowly shorten.
- Use your STOP skills to freeze and not react
- Take a deep breath utilize mindfulness of others
- Decide whether or not you should disengage from the situation and go for a walk, go watch tv, or excuse yourself to the bathroom etc.
- Distress – read something or listen to something calming
Then you will repeat and rehearse by imagining the situation, practicing the skills, as well as relaxing right after.
DBT skills to use is setting boundaries.
Remember it’s incredibly important to be solid in our boundaries and what is okay vs. what is negotiable in interpersonal interactions. Let your family know beforehand what you’re okay with talking about and what you’re not.
If they try and bring it up, remind them that you don’t really want to talk about that.
Even though it might be uncomfortable, it’s important to stay firm and help you not engage in discussions or topics you know will only cause you to suffer and become angry.
For Example:
Your family and yourself decide it’s for the best not to speak about politics at the dinner table.
During dinner however, your uncle is consistently bringing up political conversations with the intent of getting you riled up and pulling you into the conversation.
What do you do:
- Do you engage in the conversation and become angry
- Do you firmly remind him that there was an agreement of no political conversation before and you are going to continue following that boundary and you would appreciate it if he did as well.
- Ignore him!
- 2&3
The correct answer is 4! You can remind him of the boundary and reaffirm that he should be respectful towards it. You can also take a deep breath, and ignore him. However, engaging in the conversation in any way besides those two options will likely result in you feeling frustrated and angry.
Try to utilize dialectics as much as possible and activate Wise Mind as often as you can.
However, if you feel you are in danger or that your boundaries have been maliciously crossed or violated – it is always okay to leave when needed.
Avoid people pleasing and saying yes to too many things
It’s important to spend time with others during the holidays, but it’s also important to make sure that you are doing so while honoring what you need and want.
In DBT we utilize the Dime Game to figure out how firmly to say no or to ask for something – consider carefully what you are committing too and if you really can attend or do the task or are just trying to please.
It’s also okay to say no.
These are just some of the skills you can use during your holidays to have a happier and more worthwhile time with yourself, your family and/or your friends!
Check out our blog for more DBT skills that can help you out!
