The holiday season has been dubbed as “the most wonderful time of the year”, but for many, the holidays can easily evoke intense feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, regret or feeling out of control. Additionally, the holidays can produce overwhelming amounts of anxiety with potential triggers lurking all around, especially when dealing with difficult family members during the holidays.
This year may be looking different for many, but to those preparing to see family, it is so important to tap into our Wise Mind and use Interpersonal Effectiveness skills.
A refresher on Interpersonal Effectiveness skills:
Interpersonal Effectiveness skills are the key to communicate feelings and get needs met.
How can this help?
Remember that the more (family members) may not necessarily be the merrier for you, as this may create the more chances for misunderstandings and miscommunication—so effective interpersonal skills are key!
What DBT skill can help dealing with difficult family members?
DEAR MAN! DEAR MAN is the DBT acronym for Objectives Effectiveness, or skills for getting what you want. This skill for the holiday season can be applied to any situation when you’d like to communicate your feelings, ask for something you want, or set an appropriate boundary to take care of yourself by saying no! Let’s go over a quick example of applying this skill to a common holiday concern that can be a tricky situation to address.
D – Describe: First, describe the situation you are reacting to. Stick to the facts.
“I heard you were talking to other family members, your friends, and co-workers about my personal dating life without asking me if it is okay to share my private information.”
E – Express: Then express how you feel using an “I” statement.
“I feel hurt, betrayed, and mistrustful.”
A – Assert: Assert yourself and make your request or say no. Remember others cannot read your mind.
“Please ask me before you talk to anyone about my personal dating life, including whether or not I am dating somebody.”
R – Reinforce: Reinforce how getting what you want will be of benefit ahead of time, or if necessary, explain the consequences of not getting what you want.
“If you respect my boundary and ask my permission before disclosing private information about my relationships to others whom I may not feel comfortable having such personal knowledge, I will feel I can confide in you and continue to share about my dating life. If you cannot respect my boundary, I will not feel safe sharing my personal information with you, and will be more selective about what I talk to you about, or may not feel comfortable sharing at all.”
M – (be) Mindful: Stay focused on your objective. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted get off topic, or lose sight of your goal in the conversation. Use the “broken record” technique, and repeat what you want over and over. Ignore if the other person tries to change the subject, makes personal attacks, or tries to distract you.
“I know that you are upset with me because I did not do the dishes, and we can talk about that in a few minutes, but I want to resolve this issue first because it is important to me and our relationship.”
A – Appear Confident: Maintain eye contact, stand tall, use an assertive tone of voice. Do not stammer, whisper or apologize.
N -Negotiate: Be willing to give to get. Take note that in instances such as this example when setting a boundary, there may not be anything you feel willing to negotiate.
“I am okay with you talking to my sibling about this, but please ask me before you talk to anyone else.”
Pro Tip! Remember if you cannot come to an agreement, use the technique of turning the tables. Ask for the other person to come up with a solution.
“You don’t seem to like my solution to this problem, so how do you think we should handle this?”
Dealing with difficult family members can be hard. Practicing this skill takes time!
Be forgiving to yourself if DEAR MAN is hard for you! The more you practice this skill, the easier it will become! Also continue to practice self-care while home for the holidays…it is easy to forget in the hustle and bustle of the holidays!
“Love without conversation is impossible.” – Mortimer Adler
For more helpful insights around the holidays, we recommend reading 25 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family Members During the Holidays here.
