This week we are talking about dialectical dilemmas and our topic is balancing self-compassion and responsibility. Dialectical dilemmas are when we face two seemingly contradictory ideas and we strive to find the balance between them. When it comes to balancing self-compassion and responsibility it can be difficult to find the line between kindness to ourselves and losing accountability for our actions.
The Importance of Balancing Self-Compassion and Responsibility
People often confuse self-compassion with letting yourself off the hook. This mentality creates problems because it increases falling into one extreme or the other; either losing most, if not all, self-compassion, or not taking any responsibility. For many, the confusion of finding the balance between self-compassion and responsibility equals high self-criticism and the tendency to constantly beat oneself up, not leaving any room for self-compassion. It doesn’t feel possible to maintain self-compassion if you also have to take responsibility for your actions. When this is the case, a lot more stress arises and this negative way of thinking is constantly lurking in background.
On the other hand, someone can lean on self-compassion as a way to rationalize not having any accountability. This mindset is a problem because there is no room for change and it increases the amount of conflict experienced. The key is to find the balance between self-compassion and responsibility. It’s important to learn how to stay accountable without being too self-critical and and harsh.
Think about which extreme you generally fall under when balancing self-compassion and responsibility?”
It is common to think that you need to be hard on yourself in order to stay accountable.
There is a myth that beating yourself up is an effective motivator for change and self-compassion only leads to losing that motivation. In reality, self-compassion is needed in order to take responsibility effectively. When you can find self-compassion, taking responsibility is no longer painful and full of suffering. Taking responsibility without self-compassion increases the fear of failure and leads you to lose faith in your capability. It becomes much harder to feel satisfied with your accomplishments and see your success. Using self-criticism as a motivator becomes your go to voice, leaving you constantly questioning yourself and feeling anxious and miserable. Are you really helping motivate yourself if the cost is constant stress and negativity? There is a saying you catch more bees with honey than with vinegar. We generally use this when referencing how to approach other people. However, this is equally important when talking to yourself. The bottom line is that harshness is not necessary. Self-compassion is a more effective motivator.
How to Balance Self-Compassion and Responsibility:
Know that you can take responsibility and still be self-compassionate.
The first step to finding this balance is to know that it is possible. The biggest obstacle is thinking that is has to be one or the other. This thinking makes it pretty much impossible to be both self-compassionate and take responsibility because it’s thought of as either-or.
Stay accountable without judgmental language.
Take responsibility using compassion, not criticism. Own up to what you need to take responsibility for, but do it non-judgmentally. Avoid thoughts like “I’m so stupid,” “I can’t believe I did that,” and “I am always messing up.”
Stay in the present moment.
It is a common tendency to bring up all past “mistakes” when we feel we messed up. This leads to being more judgemental on ourselves and losing self-compassion. Taking responsibility does not require accounting for all our past actions. In any given situation, stay just within that context and don’t take on the past.
Forgive yourself and let go of guilt and shame.
Remember that you are human and it is ok to make a mistake or do something wrong. You can take responsibility and rectify them, then forgive yourself and move on. People often let taking responsibility lead to punishing themselves and harping on the shame and guilt they feel. This only leads to unnecessary increased suffering.
Keep the mindset of personal growth.
Rather than beating yourself up, take the situation as a learning experience. Be responsible for your actions in a way that leads to positive change for the future. Instead of beating yourself up, look at it as how can you make a change moving forward. Let the experience lead to personal growth rather than using it to be self-critical.
Today, take some time to think about how you can start to balance self-compassion and responsibility. Remember the key to start taking responsibility with self-compassion.
Balancing self-compassion and responsibility in NYC
The atmosphere of where you live has a great impact on your mindset. Living in NYC comes with certain stressors around one’s thought process. The business of the city, as well as the success culture, make it harder to balance self-compassion and responsibility. While there are great things about living in NYC, there also seems to be more pressure. A research study listed NYC as the second most stressful place to live in the U.S (with D.C. being listed as number one). Living in such an environment makes one more vulnerable to losing self-compassion and putting more focus on taking responsibility in a harsh way. Therefore, when you live in NYC, it is especially important to stay mindful of balancing self-compassion and responsibility. Take extra care in utilizing the tips above. Stay aware of when city life is burning you out and take a break. Leave the city and/or put more focus on self-care. Being a NYC resident can be a great experience, but it is important to be mindful of the downside it can bring and stay on top of accounting for that.
“Feeling compassion for ourselves in no way releases us from responsibility for our actions. Rather it releases us from self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.”
Alyssa Mairanz, LMHC, DBTC
Alyssa Mairanz provides counseling and therapy services for life transitions, relationship issues, self esteem, depression, anxiety, and DBT and Psychodynamic therapy in a NYC group practice in the Flatiron District near Madison Square Park. She also serves the Village, Chelsea, Union Square, the Financial District and the surrounding areas.
Empower Your Mind Therapy’s mission is to helps our clients build the life they want and find more happiness and satisfaction.
