When faced with the word “intelligence,” what words come to mind? You might think of people who are considered smart and successful or maybe even an IQ test. A branch of intelligence that is often overlooked is emotional intelligence (EI).
Emotional intelligence refers to our ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions while also being able to recognize and understand the emotions of others.
The term “emotional intelligence” was first coined in 1990 by Pete Salavoy and John Mayer, and later popularized by Daniel Goleman. Individuals who are highly emotionally intelligent are often independent, confident, grounded, balanced, flexible, cooperative, less impulsive, and set realistic expectations for themselves and others. Emotional intelligence and management of emotions affect various areas of our lives such as our school and work performance, physical health, self-esteem, and relationships with others.
Emotional Intelligence is important because it:
- Allows us to be in tune with our emotions as they occur
- Helps us manage our emotions in times of distress
- Resolve challenges and overcome obstacles
- Decreases our vulnerability
- Improve relationships and set boundaries
- Understand emotional signals and cues from our environment about the emotions of others
- Have uncomfortable but necessary conversations without invalidating our feelings or hurting others
Thus, emotional intelligence has four main areas of focus:
- Self-awareness: The ability to identify your own emotions in the moment, understand why you are feeling them, and evaluate how they inform your thoughts and behaviors.
- Self-management: The ability to control your emotions in a healthy manner, think before reacting, and balance coping with positive and negative emotions.
- Empathy: The ability to recognize what someone else is feeling and understand why they are feeling that way.
- Relationship management: The ability to develop and maintain healthy relationships, communicate with others, and work through interpersonal conflicts.
Given this information, there are four basic ways you can work towards improving your emotional intelligence:
- Get familiar with your emotions: The first step to better managing your emotions is recognizing them! When you encounter a strong emotion, label it. Consider where it came from. Think of other times when you also felt this emotion. Sit with your emotions without reacting to them and identify what is your urge to react. All emotions serve a purpose for us, even the painful ones. This will help you build awareness of what it feels like to experience emotions, where they come from, and the patterns of how they manifest in your life.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness, a.k.a the ability to be present in the moment without judgment or attachment, is essential to emotional intelligence. Practicing being mindful when encountering emotions allows us to hold space for them and accept how we are feeling before trying to change it. Mindfulness helps us remain calm and shifts our focus away from the past and future, and into what is happening in the now so we can address it with a clearer head. Some ways to practice mindfulness are through meditation, deep breathing, prayer, grounding yourself through the 5 senses, going for a walk, and more!
- Think before reacting to your emotions: A big part of managing our emotions is the ability to evaluate our choices of how we can react to them. Once you have identified what your emotion is, check the facts of the situation to ensure your emotions align with the current reality. You can also make a pro and con list to compare your options and potential outcomes for how you decide to respond. Remember that you are not always in control of how you feel, but you can control what you choose to do with your feelings.
- GIVE the other person your attention: In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, we use the acronym “GIVE” to help us respect the feelings and needs of others through difficult conversations.
G = Gentle. Being kind and respectful without placing blame.
I = Interest. Show interest in what the other person is saying through paying attention and not interrupting.
V = Validate. By working to understand their position and letting them know you are listening.
E = Easy Manner. Easy manner means remaining relaxed, non-aggressive, and open to communicating.
GIVE allows us to share our position and feelings while also making space for the other person’s perspective through healthy means.
Opinions vary on how emotional intelligence is cultivated. Some believe it is a born, innate skill whereas others believe it is taught. Regardless of where it initially comes from, it is possible to strengthen your emotional intelligence and reap the benefits. By implementing these four tactics to improve emotional intelligence, your relationships with others and your personal growth may start to improve.
“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head – it is the unqiue intersection of both.” – David Caruso, Actor
