As human beings, we experience a wide range of emotions. Anger can be a primary emotion for some, in that it is intense and can be an all consuming emotional response to an event, person, words, or circumstances. When we experience anger, we are able to feel active in our reactions and almost feel a sense of validation that we are able to label the feeling we are experiencing. It can be difficult to label painful emotions, so labeling anger is an accomplishment.
Anger allows an individual to externalize painful internal experiences.
How is anger a reactive emotion? When individuals have a history of feeling hurt, dismissed, or any other kind of painful emotion, they typically don’t want to experience it and will try to avoid the feeling. The best way to not sit in the pain is to use anger, the validating emotion, to mask the initial painful emotion. For example, if going through a break up, and the underlying emotion is hurt, it is helpful to feel angry because the emotion goes from internal pain to externalizing anger towards the person who hurt you. In this case, anger helps the person decrease their internal pain and turmoil while increasing their productivity of deflecting their emotions onto others.
In a sense, anger allows space for comfort.
In therapy, it’s good for clients to bring in anger. It allows space to explore what the client was reacting to, what their emotions were, and how they can begin to identify these emotions on their own. To expect anger to disappear quickly is unrealistic. This would be equivalent to a client quickly getting over self-harm, eating disorders, or addictions. These are life long journeys of understanding triggers, managing reactions, and practicing tailored DBT skills to help support the client’s needs.
In therapy, it is important to allow space to explore the anger, interact with the anger, and allow that part of the client to be given a voice it is desperately trying to have. Through this vulnerability, there is room to understand, show compassion, and aid the client to better understand their own inner avoidance. Find out what’s really going on beyond the surface and learn to start addressing underlying issues for good.
Where the field can improve.
Anger is bred from discomfort, and it is developed to protect individuals from pain. So why would we judge or shame a client’s form of self protection? Instead, as therapists, we can learn from it. From what we learn we can develop skills that target different aspects of anger.
Sometimes clients are afraid to show anger to their therapists. This fear morphs the client’s ability to explore their needs. Clinicians are trained to hold space for their clients without internalizing emotions, in this case anger, that is often not actually aimed at them. For instance, if a therapist is late to a session and a client is angry, the therapist can try to allow them the space for yelling, cursing, or any other way they need to express their anger. This anger is not a reflection of the therapist, but a reflection of a pain that the client may not feel safe to put words to yet.
The therapist should be on that journey with clients, and if the anger is directed at them, what a powerful time to show clients they can experience safety in anger.
“Anger is a sign that something needs to change.” – Psychiatrist Mark Epstein
