There are many reasons why we over-apologize! Remember, a big lesson of emotions and behavior in Dialectical Behavior Therapy is that there is always a cause. Regardless of the cause however, over-apologizing works against us in many ways.
It can lower our self-esteem, make us seem disingenuous, reinforce judgmental views we have about ourselves or others, implies blame on ourselves and is self-invalidating.
It can be hard to decide when to apologize and when to not apologize – sometimes it’s more of a habit. Our mouths sometimes say the words before we even realize we’re apologizing!
How do we stop apologizing for everything?
The first step is to notice when you might be apologizing automatically or when it’s not needed.
It’s important to consider if the situation even warrants an apology. Contrary to popular belief, we can stop apologizing for everything.
Then we want to restate or re-frame
Once we check the facts and see if our apology is warranted. It’s important to re-frame the apology or restate it.
Instead of “I’m sorry I am late” say “Thank you for waiting.”
The importance of re-framing is that it makes you feel and seem more confident and in control of the situation, rather than passive.
Instead of “I’m sorry for being emotional” say “Thank you for your understanding” or “Thank you for listening to me.”
Another time to say “Thank you for listening to me” is instead of “I am sorry for talking too much.”
An important part to remember when practicing no more over-apologizing is that it’s okay to exist and take up space and you don’t need to apologize for that.
Sometimes if the thank you substitute does not work, we can use “excuse me” or “bear with me.”
In Summary:
When we think of over-apologizing we want to carefully analyze things by checking the facts. Is there a reason for you to apologize? Did you do harm or do something egregious that the other party is communicating to you? If so – an apology maybe warranted! If not, reframe and rethink the apology by utilizing thank you, excuse me or bear with me.
