This week we are talking all about dialectical dilemmas & our topic is: Emotional Vulnerability and Self-Invalidation. We have covered dialectical dilemmas before with our discussion on active passivity, self-invalidation, inhibited grieving, unrelenting crisis, and apparent competence.
What Are Dialectical Dilemmas?
Dialectical dilemmas are defined as extreme conflicting emotional states that an individual may present with in treatment. We all at one point or another may have faced a dialectical dilemma. The focus of Dialectical Behavior Therapy treatment is to find the synthesis of these two opposing ideas.
What is Emotional Vulnerability vs Self-Invalidation?
Emotional vulnerability is an extreme sensitivity to emotional stimuli. This is when one has strong and persistent emotional reactions to even small events. Those with high emotional vulnerability have difficulty with such things as modulating facial expressions, aggressive action, and obsessive worries. On the other end of the dialectical pole is self-invalidation. Self-invalidation involves discounting one’s own emotional experiences, looking to others for accurate reflections of reality and over-simplifying problems, and their solutions. The combination of these two characteristics leads to oversimplifying problems and how to achieve goals and extreme shame, self-criticism, and punishment when goals are not met.
In any case, if you get caught in this dialectic between emotional vulnerability and self-invalidation, you might find yourself at times swept away by the storm of your emotions, and engulfed by self-criticism, self-judgment, and shame about your emotions. Harshly invalidating and criticizing yourself might sometimes work temporarily, but the cost in terms of long-term personal suffering, shame, and self-hate are not worth the inconsistent short-term benefit.
How can you get out of the Emotional Vulnerability vs Self-Invalidation cycle using DBT Therapy?
One starting point is to try to improve your ability to notice, understand, accept, and regulate your emotions. Try to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You may not have to like the emotion, but accept that it is there. Emotional Vulnerability is rooted in pushing those emotions away by another behavior, but remember, they often come back. Try sitting down and noticing and accepting those emotions.
Reminder!
This takes a lot of skill and practice! Be gentle with yourself while practicing this.
Another skill is self-validation.
All emotions have causes; thus, all emotions make sense and are valid on some level. Therefore, instead of criticizing or berating yourself for how you feel, be mindful by noticing and observing your thoughts, and reflect back without judgement. Validating yourself won’t take away your emotions, but it is an act of kindness and understanding that will likely make them easier to bear. In a nutshell, self-validation is about acknowledging and accepting ourselves, especially our feelings and thoughts, for what they are.
Reminder!
When we invalidate (or are invalidated by others), often our emotions end up getting stronger and more intense. Our thoughts tend to turn to a place of judgment and criticism, and then this leads to us acting in Emotion Mind. This can lead to even more unwanted feelings, pain, self-critical thoughts, and a continuing downward spiral. While self-validation might not take away a difficult situation, it can help break that spiral through observing it, focusing on facts and not judgments, and labeling what is true and valid.
Self-validation is one of the critical steps for living with emotional vulnerability. It is part of forming relationships and thriving. Practice and more practice will help you self-validate more easily.
“You have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” – Louise Hay
